Sometimes, just sometimes - not all the time, I feel like people don't... get me. Like, they don't really or fully understand me. Not quite. I can't seem to find the right or accurate word to describe this feeling. I mean, sure yeah, some people do. But sometimes I feel like it's... barely scratching the surface? I don't know. Is it wrong of me to want people to "understand" me better? To "get" me? Is it wrong of me to want... for lack of a better word, more?

I want to be fully immersed in the films and the music that I'm so obsessed with, that mean so much to me, that matter - but more importantly, with people that also mean so much to me and matter, too (& also for them to be as excited/interested as I am, too, about new discoveries and the like).

I want to blab on and on, endlessly, about artists (directors, musicians) and their works... to be able to engage in intelligible/intellectual conversations (and hey, maybe even debates too because I would fight to the ends of this earth to defend the artists I'm fond of or look up to) about them. I want to discuss the utter brilliance of some films/shows, why or how what they're doing works, and why or how some don't. Just all these tiny little things.






But, more importantly, I want people to like them too? Not so much liking the artists in question, per se... just to like HAVING these types of conversations with me... Is that too much of me to ask? I mean... I feel like you don't really "get" me or are on the same... "wavelength(?)" as me... if you don't share the same... passion or ideals as I do...? I don't know.

This is so, so important to me though... that is; a shared passion for the films and music that I am into... or, at the very least, an unyielding, constant burning desire/curiosity/interest to know or learn more about them...? Or films/music in general?

Sigh, I don't know... I feel like sometimes I can't express my emotions or thoughts wholeheartedly and completely/openly to people about them (the films and music I mean)... not unless I know for certain that they are really into it or have/share the same passion about it as I do... maybe it's just me. Maybe I want too much. Or maybe my expectations are too high... sigh. That constant yearning or longing for something like this... I don't know... I'm losing sight or track of what I'm saying. Never mind.



Original post: 25/8/16 - 26/8/16
Edited: 5/11/16

Sharon Van Etten making me bawl, weep, and cry like a lil' emotional shit rn tbh.
Been feeling so drawn towards the album "Because I Was In Love" lately...
Suddenly seeing / finally realising and appreciating the (agonising) beauty behind the music, everything...
It's been on repeat quite a lot lately... helps to calm the nerves and soothes me...

If I could stuff an entire album into a new late night mix this would definitely be the one...
Actually... I should create a late night mix full of albums next, instead of just songs... just thought of another one or two that would make the cut... like, a comprehensive LIST of albums...
Hmm... sounds like a plan.

I also love how I started doing/curating my monthly playlists on Spotify... really helps to keep track of not just what I'm listening to, but is also a somewhat accurate way of documenting things on a day-to-day basis, in a way? Like, memories/feelings associated with the specific artists that I've been listening to... hmm. Yes.

As of late, these two albums have been on repeat:

- Because I Was In Love (Sharon Van Etten)
- III (BADBADNOTGOOD)

Previously, earlier this month, it was mostly Hinds, Twin Peaks, and Braids.

Ahh... what a therapeutic process... curating monthly personal playlists...
Come to think of it, actually, blogging/writing in detail about the artists I've been actively listening to for the month is also quite therapeutic... like, it's a definite way of documenting what I've been listening to and hence, too, what were the memories and thoughts and feelings that accompanied them...

I feel so helpless... so alone...
I don't know.
I feel like I'm gonna burst...
I need to let so many things out... else I'm going to explode or something...
But on the other hand I can't...
Ugh I hate this feeling...
This sucks, so much...
Sigh
Sigh
Sigh
Keep it together, Josh
Keep it together.

You have to be strong; remember that.
You have to be strong; keep telling yourself that.
You have to be strong; not just for yourself, but for the sake of others as well.
Be strong.
Try.

Sigh

I don't want to feel like I'm growing up.
I don't want to be reminded of the fact.
I feel like I haven't been immersing myself in the gig/local music scene as much as I used to, or should be.
Like, I haven't been to a show in God knows how long?
And I also haven't been watching as many films as I used to.
And I don't feel very good about that.
In part I suppose it's because it might very well be a sign that I am, indeed, growing up; and can't really spare the time for it?
At first I thought it was okay because I was still stuck in camp and could only come out during the weekends,
but now that I *am* out, I still feel I haven't been very active where these areas are concerned.

Well... at least some consolation is that I'm still doing my best to keep up with the latest in music news (internationally).
I'm always trying to discover new and good music; stuff that would get me hooked.
I'm consciously making the effort to delve deeper and deeper to find new music; looking at record labels - past bands that they've signed, looking at their "best-of" playlists, browsing through their catalogues, etc.
And I'm proud of myself for that. (Small reminder here to keep going at it)

I'm at that stage in life where people have a past to their lives now... and that's... quite a lot to think about, if you ask me...
I guess I'm still not used to the idea that other people have actually been through so much before?
Sorry, when I refer to "people" here I mean mostly new or rather-new acquaintances.
Not people/friends whom I've known since, idk, dating back to secondary school days at the earliest?
Hmm, I guess it's sorta got to do with my ridiculous obsession with knowing EVERYTHING about a person? It's just in my nature to find out every last detail?
I remember being the most cunning and secretive stalker way back then... ha ha ha.
I remember finding out a lot of stuff which I'd been better off not knowing about.
I remember kicking myself in the foot and feeling fucking awful and questioning myself every time, "Why do you keep doing this to yourself Josh"
But the truth is I couldn't stop, and I still can't. That feeling of curiosity is really just too strong.
I guess I'm a living, breathing metaphor for the phrase "curiosity killed the cat" eh?
But yeah, anyways, coming back to it.
I'm 21 now, and meeting new people has been, for quite some time now, quite an experience?
I don't know how to put this.
It's like, compared to secondary school days, I guess one could say in a uniformed school it's sort of a more controlled environment? Everything can be easily monitored? Everyone was a blank page, mostly. Hmm, blank page. I like that. Very apt description.
Yeah, back then it was so easy to know what everyone was up to, basically.
Who was dating who, who were the ones screwing around (literally), etc.
It's almost as if I were an observer... never taking part in any of these activities. Only observing as people got about with their lives...
Sigh, it's been quite a stretch of time since secondary school days Josh.
People are not as easy to monitor now.
You can't stalk them anymore and find out almost every detail about their life.
People are no longer blank pages - they've been filled, and some with significantly more colour than others.
Why do I still feel like a blank page then?
Why do I feel like I'm the only person without a past?
Why have I still not outgrown the curiosity to know every last detail about people I'm close with right now?
Sigh kill me please.

I realise it now... it all ties in back with my escape/retreat into music/films/the arts.
All this... "colour" that people have so-called "stained" their pages with? I didn't want any of that.
I didn't like the way it looked. Their colours were much too... stale... for my liking. I thought music and films were a much more... vibrant way to fill my pages. And I still do now.
It's all so clear now. My pages aren't empty, they're just... different. My colours are just... a lot harder to appreciate, a lot harder to see... but there's the beauty in it. Other people's pages are tainted, I feel. But mine are precious. Almost too precious actually.
And now that I'm a (significant) part in other people's pages - it's like having to get used to their... colours. Yeah.
I guess it also follows that I have (always have had actually) an obsession with new items/things. Particularly notebooks. Or scrapbooks. Clean, blank pages on which I can paint a brand new canvas on.
Maybe it's an OCD thing? I don't like using/writing/drawing on used scrapbooks/notebooks.
I'd much rather start afresh on a brand new book - so I can fashion things the way I fancy them - and not have to... conform... to the ways (pages) of the used one.
Sighhh.
I don't know what to think/do/say right now.
I feel so fucking helpless please save me I want to cry and die right now

The future scares me so, so much - more than I can ever put into words.

I don't want to grow up I don't want to grow up I don't want to grow up

There are a great many things that I want to know/find out, but also some things I'd much rather be happily oblivious about.

I feel like crying and I just wanna die now
What is going on help

11:12pm. Sunday night. Re-visiting old Bon Iver records. Sitting on my block’s roof. Soaking in the night’s breeze - accompanied by cheap cigarettes. A much-needed and well-deserved break from a hell of a month I must say. Haven’t been updating this blog here for quite some time. May not have seemed like a while but it certainly felt like it has been. Been far too busy for anything at all, really. I have literally been fighting and struggling so hard just to keep my head above water recently. For more info on that, refer to my latest Facebook post - the one with my shot of Caracal from this year's Baybeats - vague as it may be.

SO MUCH has changed within such a short period of time it's scary. Things that I had previously thought were once a foreign concept suddenly feels all too familiar to me, yet not? I’m not sure how to explain. I am suddenly OVERWHELMED with possibly a million different feelings, people, places, ideas and such. And I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing? Can’t say for certain what kind of effects all this has on both my physical and mental health. I’ve definitely noticed some physical changes on my part. My being sick probably worsened all the symptoms overall, and the cigarettes aren't exactly helping with that but what the hell. However, that being said, I can’t even begin to imagine the detrimental (& possibly long-term) effects all this has on my mental state/well-being. And I can say for sure that of the two: this is definitely without a doubt my more fragile/brittle state. Sigh. Stay strong, Josh.

I don’t know what the future holds for me at this stage. And it’s frightening, to say the least. The fact that so much can change within such a short period of time is really quite terrifying - I cannot stress this enough - because who knows what’s in store for me, a few years down the road? I hate uncertainties. Especially when I have this sort of *grand plan* laid out ahead of me already in my head. The fact that it can all come crumbling down in a matter of seconds is just… I can’t even begin to fathom/comprehend the possibility of that happening. It's scary, it really is. Keep it together, Josh.

Can't fucking stand people, honestly.
Like, on so many different levels.
Not even kidding now.
I know that over the years I've complained about this before -
I (probably) wasn't lying then, and I sure as hell ain't lying now.
I think like if there was ONE THING that could absolutely sort of sum up being a "normal" person per se - it would have to be owning an Instagram account (and posting somewhat regularly, if not very often).
WHICH IS WHY I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL NEVER OWN A FUCKING INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT I'D RATHER DIE THAN HAVE ONE SO HELP ME I WILL THROW MYSELF OFF THE NEAREST POSSIBLE BUILDING BEFORE CREATING ONE OKAY
By the way pardon me I'm a bit inebriated now so #partiallydrunkposts
Which should be a thing cos I feel like I can express myself much better right now, in this state.
So anyway, back to my disdain towards humanity in general.
I just can't fucking stand people.
And to be completely honest it's hard to discern between hatred and jealousy at this point.
Like, how do people have any sort of normal, meaningful relationships (even the platonic, non-romantic ones) with other people? I genuinely do not understand.
Maybe it's cos I've never had that with anyone before? I don't even know. Wow, like the chicken and the egg huh.
But yeah, normal people. Ugh, gross.
Again, I know I've probably said this so many times before: but perhaps this is why I retreat to my music and my films.
So... I guess this is a huge "fuck you" to those who talk shit about the music and the films that I love?
Yeah, you could say that's the whole point of this #partiallydrunkpost I guess.
Yeah.
I think I get it.
The reason why I feel utterly shit (about myself and towards the other people in question) when people talk bad or look down at the music and films that I like is because I feel like they're attacking ME *personally*.
Take normal people for example.
Say someone posts pictures on Instagram of their girlfriends and whatever.
And then someone slams them for it, like, okay maybe not openly but, like, yeah, amongst cliques or friends (again, something which I am evidently unfamiliar with).
"Oh he/she could do better" "Ew she's definitely not his type" "Wtf they're together???"
Shit like that.
I dunno I'm just assuming that's how normal people talk amongst themselves.
Yeah.
Okay you know what probably not even logical to compare the two.
Normal people's girlfriends against my love for music/films I mean.
I don't know.
What am I even writing now lol
Perhaps the hashtag for this post should just be #drunkpost and not partially haha.
Okay I'll pick up on this some other time then.
I'll be back.
So... parting thoughts? Just, um, a big "fuck you" to those of you who put down my taste in music and films I guess.
Like to those who claim that I'm some sort of elitist, condescending prick of some sort or whatever.
Which to a certain degree is not entirely untrue I suppose.
I don't know, I guess I like to see myself as being sort of that sort of person, but not really you know?
I don't know.
I just realised I'm actually reading aloud as I type this and it's 3:30am in the morning and I'm in my living room where my whole family can practically hear me.
Well, shit.
Okay pick up on this another time bye.

So I'm only due for enlistment in October (good news for me by all accounts).
Which leaves me plenty of time between now and then.
I don't know how to feel about this.

On the one hand I have my dad who's being a fucking hard-ass telling me to get off my ass and go find a part-time job or something and to basically stop lazing around every day.
First off: I'm not just fucking "lazing around" - I'm deciding what the fuck I want to do with my future. You think I don't think about these things on my own? Like it's not at the back of my fucking head like a tiny little itch that you can't get at and just won't go away? Fuck no. I think about it and it honestly frightens me. And your added pressure to "provide for myself and for the family" not only serves to annoy me but is also, frankly, quite unnecessary. I mean obviously I'm thinking about financially providing for myself for the time being and for the future, I just haven't thought of the means with which to do so just yet. Fucking hell. I swear to God almost every day (or once in two days) he'll bring it up. Like, way to make me feel bad about myself thanks. FFS.

You know what forget it I'm not even going to get into this right now I'm too angry to think straight.

My gut wrenches at the sheer thought of receiving my enlistment letter.
I'm clearly not emotionally or mentally prepared for this next stage of my life at all.
The reality of it has only just sunk in - like a fatal blow to the chest - when I imagined how it'd be like the day that that letter finally comes. How would I react? How would I feel? I haven't the faintest idea. And that really fucking gets to me. I feel extremely uneasy.
But then I step back and think to myself: I think I'm always like this when I'm about to begin a new phase - whether it's the start of secondary school or orientation for poly - it's always a nerve-wrecking experience. Having to face all these people (again, probably the low-lives/scum of the earth) and actually having to converse with them ugh. But I get it over and done with.
This is different, though. This is the army we're talking about here.
No fun and games. No coming home at night to complain to parents about how utterly shit everything was (because let's face it, orientations are fucking miserable and could be deemed as one of (if not) the most inhumane form(s) of torture to date and I genuinely question the sanity of anyone who enjoys the whole process in even the slightest bit). No coming home from a 3D2N outward bound camp to complain about how shitty and disgusting everything was either. Fuck.
As if being stuck with the illiterate, uncultured swine of the Singaporean male population wasn't bad enough already. JFC.
I'm not emotionally or mentally prepared for all of this. I don't know if I ever will be.
This also sets my anxiety off on a whole different level, sigh.

This was meant to be another post about my anxiety pangs.
But looking back at my previous posts, I realise I have to say this first: that everyone I know falls strictly into two different but very clear categories: those that drag me down, and those that are way better than me at almost everything (these generally refer to photographers/gig scene people).
So I realise that I'm stuck. I'm caught in the middle, in-between.
On the one hand, I am trying to sever all ties with the people that drag me down. Or I've been keeping less in contact with them at least.
And on the other, I am trying (very hard I might add) to be on the same level/closer with those that are... above me(?)
Okay it's very hard to put into words/describe the people that are typically "above" me, so to speak?
When I say this I generally refer to artists/photographers I look up to (or perhaps envy is a better word to use).
Like, I want so badly to be associated with more people with similar music tastes (or just better than anyone's I currently know now will do really).
There's probably nothing more than I want in the world than to be included in a group/clique of legit... just, workers y'know? For lack of a better word? Like, people who are in the loop. In the know. Just people with connections, basically.
I want - no, I need to have more friends like these. Fuck.
...And this makes for a perfect link between my point about people I know falling into two clear categories and my anxiety issues!
The very fact that I can't have (or am bound by my social insecurities/introverted nature/whatever) friends like the latter of the two categories causes me great panic(?) (I try to avoid using 'anxiety' so much).
And these days I can't even enjoy concerts or shows I really love anymore.
This is a legitimate concern.
I can't even attend a gig properly without having anxiety pangs because of the fact that I'm not shooting it BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT I KNOW SHOOTING IT.
It's selfish, but it's the truth - it fucking pains me (like the worst kind of torment I could possibly imagine right now) to know that I am not shooting shows as much as I could be, because I know for a fact (or am confident enough I should say) that I am on par with (I would go as far as to say even better than) some of the other photographers who are the ones shooting these shows nowadays.
And the days leading up to the actual days of the shows are the absolute worst, believe me,
It's like do I push my luck trying to get a pass? Can I even find any publication/website to get in contact with anymore? Am I coming across as being too desperate? Do people find me unprofessional/being too much of a general prick/annoyance? What if I don't get the pass? Is it the end of the world? No? Well it sure as hell feels like it is (but is subjective depending on what bands are playing so yeah).
Then after that it's like - okay, let's not get a pass and just ENJOY THE SHOW (AKA BIGGEST LIE EVER because no matter what I still end up bringing my camera anyways). And then I show up at the gig seeing the other photographers there and it is just the worst fucking feeling ever - EVERY TIME.
And then the anxiety gets worse tenfold because then I have to worry about security stopping me before the show sigh.
So yeah that's basically what I go through before every show.
Oh wait but that's not it - afterwards, if and when I do get to take some shots during the gig I have to worry about posting it online on social media because then I worry about what other people think or are saying like oh that's so unprofessional of him because ugh "spoil-market" and all that bs like ugh respect the rules and regulations please hello sigh.
Yeah so that's the general worry that comes afterwards - like the anxiety I went through pre-show wasn't enough already.
And you wonder why I'm so bent on migrating (which I'm also having second thoughts about because Lilya-4-Ever) (which I think I elaborated on in one of my earlier posts already).
Furthermore, on that note of people being split into two categories - it's also another worrying issue: about who to ask to go to gigs with these days.
Nowadays I literally have almost nobody to go with because of the two categories thing.
It didn't use to be this way - things were slightly easier say maybe... two years ago? (keyword here being SLIGHTLY) - everyone wasn't so tied down with work/army/other friends.
At least I had more friends than I do now.
People were considerably more easy-going in the past.
Nowadays everyone seems to be getting on with their lives.
Which not only leaves me the question of who to ask out to gigs with anymore, but also what am I going to do with my own life?
What plans do I have in store for myself post-army? University? Abroad? Where things might very well be the same as they are here or perhaps even worse because of general racism towards Asians in other countries as per Lilya-4-Ever logic (I actually don't have any clue tbh)? Stay here in Singapore and face the exact same problems I go through pre and post-gigs all the time and continue suffering from social introversion/introversy(?)
Ha! Might as well add that to the list of causes for my anxiety then!
Sigh.
This better not be a glimpse into life as a post-teenager/during my mid-twenties.
Fucking hell.
Sometimes I really do genuinely question myself as to whether or not I should speak to someone about this anxiety problem.
Hell I'm kicking myself in the foot now for not bringing that up during my NS checkup.
Like not as an excuse or anything but as a legitimate problem because I do at times experience a shortness of breath and stuff like that.
Sigh.
I don't know anymore.
Yup, so that's been a brief summary of my thoughts over the past few months/years.
Happy belated new years! :)

Everyone here does nothing but drag me down. And I do not say this lightly.
Everything's just a fucking hindrance to me here.
And I can't, I won't stand for it any longer.
Fucking hell.
Honestly, sometimes I just feel so tormented by everything.
Like I can actually FEEL the weight/burden of all my peers (I won't even consider them as 'friends') dragging me down.
The truth is I have no one (not here at least) (or that's probably what I'd like to believe).
No one to share common interests with,
no one to have actual, honest conversations with - about REAL THINGS that matter.
It is just so fucking miserable, truly.
Everybody here fucking disgusts me, in ways that I can never describe with words.
Honestly, the amount of things that I cringe at each day...
And believe me, with ALL of the stuff/people I've blocked off thus far in my life, but still having to feel this way towards all the stuff/people I have left? C'mon. Something's really wrong here.
Fuck this.

Fuck this course and this school.
I don't think I can ever stress this enough.
The only reason why I still put up with all this shit - my course, the assignments, all these people, these low-lives, the very scum of Singapore, the collective idiocy, painfully bearing with sentences spoken which are largely comprised of half-broken-English & (what I perceive to be) broken Chinese, etc. - is essentially because of this simple, basic idea: that the second mouse gets the cheese.
This 3-year course, as I would like to think, is nothing but a trial period. A time to go out and test the waters, so to speak. To experiment. To learn things. To go out there and see what the working world is like.
All before ultimately deciding on what career path exactly I'm willing to take that is.
Oh, and tested the waters I have. Photography in general sure as hell is a dog-eat-dog, every-man-for-himself industry/line of work.
Anyways, at the moment, it seems like pursuing something along the lines of mass communication/journalism still appears fairly feasible.
I've been looking at one particular university actually. Monash, in Australia. For a Bachelor of Arts. Looking at the course outline, it basically covers pretty much all the areas that a Mass Comm. course would cover in poly.
And I actually have a friend who got accepted into the course. I'm meeting up with him soon to discuss more about his arrangements for living in Australia and the works.
Yeah. That's basically about all I wanted to get off my chest for now.
Fuck NYP.

I'm at that stage in my life where I figure I'm just gonna bum around for the remainder of it and not make anything out of it.
I really just give up.
Ever since Other Sounds ceased operations, everything pretty much just turned to shit.
It's like that was my only link to music photography tbh.
It was as though somehow my editor's resigning had a direct effect on my drive to become a better music photographer.
It's like her will to continue slowly died down alongside my own (oblivious to me of course).
Now all I see whenever I'm on Facebook is just everybody getting on with their lives, making progress and moving further in the music photography world.
They all seem to be making it and becoming successful already - and here I am, lying morosely on my bed as I type this post, seemingly going nowhere in life.
Hell, ever since Other Sounds ceased operations I pretty much had no clue what I was to do after graduating.
For fuck's sake I'm barely halfway through my third year as of now.
What am I gonna do after army?
What am I gonna do during the army?
Uni? Freelance? I haven't a fucking clue.
So I pretty much decided I'm gonna bunk off.
Fuck it.
I always tell myself this: to tread lightly, ever so lightly.
I read that quote somewhere, and it sort of made sense to me.
If I treat everything with only the slightest amount of care, nothing will ever really hurt me.
Fuck it.
Ugh.
Feels so shit though, that I've completely stopped talking to everyone.
I don't even know how it happened.
I just... stopped.
The one close friend I had in Other Sounds, the other photographer, now part of a team who are altogether moving forward and becoming more successful? Totally stopped making conversation.
Maybe it's because I'm not as involved in the music scene in general as I was before?
I don't really feel that way though.
I feel like there's not enough gigs these days. International ones of course.
I don't know.
All I know is that I feel like utter shit every time I see all the photographers posting about their progress.
Knowing that they're all slowly progressing upwards in this line really is a knife to the back man.
It doesn't help seeing that other people in different lines of work (freelance journalism, etc) are also getting along pretty well.
I reflect back upon myself and I just draw a complete blank.
Fuck it.



Update: A relevant article

Most recent, and quite possibly my hugest inspiration/role model by far: Rachael Wright Photography
She wins at life. Really.
I mean I get that she's famous for all her out-of-this-world shots from CHVRCHES shows as their tour photographer and all but I never knew that she was such an accomplished photographer before that.
Really up there man. No words.

Also, self-reminder to blog about the "artist vs worker" dilemma in photography soon.
(This is quickly turning into a photography blog)

I really, really, really want to start shooting music festivals.
Nothing thrills me as much as the thought of covering shows; the anticipation right before the bands step on stage; that anxious feeling like no other when stepping into the pit, gearing up for the first 3 songs; the long, tedious hours post-processing afterwards; I love it all so much.
And when I finally compile an album's worth of shots - and if it turns out well - man, that triumphant feeling I get at the end of the day? Unparalleled.
I feel like I truly do possess the skills to move on and shoot more larger-scale festivals.
I don't know, perhaps I've been watching too many Glastonbury videos online? Or seeing too many tweets/posts about other huge festivals around the world that some of my favourite bands are playing.
The first thing that comes to my mind whenever I see live shows on YouTube or wherever is always what the photo pit situation for that particular show could be like.
For instance, watching Jack White's set at Glastonbury, noticing that gargantuan stage set-up, the first thing that struck me was that every photographer in the vicinity was most likely armed with a 70-200 2.8. At the very least, of course. I can totally imagine running around festival grounds carrying the weight of all that gear.
This, in turn, led me to thinking about my own gear: when am I going to start investing in the big guns? The 16-35 2.8? Other wide-angle lenses? A new (proper) prime? A 70-200 2.8? Sigh.
On that note, I've heard many good things about the Sigma 50 1.4 Art lens. Hmm. Seems like I'm gonna be keeping my eye on that one for a while. I've been itching for a new prime lens for quite some time now.
I also need to find more work, what with Other Sounds recently ceasing operations and all. Bummer, really. I really thought I/we were all going somewhere. Sigh.
I want to migrate so badly. I want to move somewhere where music festivals and shows are in abundance. I want to cover these shows on a regular basis and get paid good money for it. I want to get out there and shoot for as many publications as possible. I want to be recognised for doing all this at such a young age.
But alas, Singapore has held me back once again with the army. Fuck that. Sigh.
Also I need to be making those connections but somehow can't be bothered to? Though I wouldn't use the word 'bothered'. It's more like I feel constricted? As if my introverted nature were an invisible force that kept me from doing so. Sigh.
Bottom line? I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.

Got quite a bit going on in my head right now. Firstly, my granddad's passed on - by taking his own life, apparently. Secondly, Lilya-4-Ever (the film). Thirdly, the army - aka my impending doom. I don't quite know how to start this. Basically I can't help but feel all these things are connected in some way. Like, as if fate was trying to tell me something, in its own perplexing way. Idk. What I do know is that I've taken shit from this country for far too long (or so I firmly believe). And as my enlistment draws closer I feel like I have to finally put an end to all this.

How does Lilya-4-Ever relate to all this you might ask? Well, you should watch the film. Maybe you'd understand. But I'll summarise/compare it for you. In the movie the main character was struggling to survive in a somewhat poverty-stricken part of Russia, and she takes so much shit for that. Like, it progressively gets worse over time. People abuse her, and take advantage of her. When the promise (or, illusion's a better word for it actually) of a better place is introduced into her life, in the form of a seemingly nice guy with a passport to another country (I forgot which), she impulsively takes it - leaving behind her close friend, a young boy, to his demise. He takes his own life. When she arrives in another country, things look up for a short while. But she soon realises that her handler (not her guy friend, who, of course, doesn't show up) is actually an escort - for prostitution services. Basically, she knew nothing of the country she was fleeing to, and as a result of that, got taken advantage of again. Her handler then threatens to kill her if she tries to flee again. He also said that if she fled elsewhere she'd be branded an illegal immigrant and be handed over to the authorities. So, she had no way out. Hallucinations soon ensued - primarily of her former young friend, who was then portrayed as having wings - which meant he was free. Slowly, she starts to lose it and takes her own life as well.

Yeah. So with that in mind, plus the knowledge of my granddad's passing, plus the inevitability of enlistment, I don't know what kind of conclusions/deductions to draw from all this. Is someone/something trying to tell me something? I don't know. Ugh. Don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind. The thought of escape to another country, or even to another place altogether. Sigh, I don't even know anymore. It's like I'm the character in Lilya-4-Ever, taking all this metaphorical shit from Singapore my whole life (in the form of people who can't even form coherent sentences without breaking out in chinese or some other form of dialect, intellectual wastelands, etc). And I'm longing for the (illusion of) freedom that other countries could possibly offer me. But then again, what do I know about these "other countries"? Such an uninformed person as I could end up being taken advantage of (in non-sexual ways of course, or perhaps even that? who knows?) on foreign soil. Sigh. C'est la vie.

Other people's (specifically friends' or acquaintances') success(es) will be the death of me I swear.

Fucking hell, I'm 19 already. Nine-teen. One year away from the big 20. Or less than that, actually. FUCK. I know that age shouldn't be something you compare against to measure how much you've achieved so far, but hell it's the biggest/most relevant benchmark for me okay don't ask why it just is. And like, I'm genuinely concerned about the future right now. Like, a lot. I know that I've touched on this in my previous post already, but that was a fairly light-hearted post. This is the real deal. Like, I feel my anxiety pangs catching on to me again. In my previous post I was merely stating the facts. In this one I actually dug deep and looked up TONS of other photographers' online - their portfolios, achievements, works, etc. And compared to them I am nothing. I am inferior. Their photos... I can't even begin to describe... Sigh. I wish I had someone to rant to about my general worries/concerns regarding the future and work-related stuff. For instance, you need to be good with people in this industry. You gotta be fucking social. You gotta get out there and make those connections, be the life of the party, the cream of the crop, know what I'm saying? And me? Where the fuck does that leave me? People who actually KNOW me in person know for a fact that I am the LEAST sociable person around. I hate interacting. I hate making conversation. It's just so hard, I don't know. I hate having to put in effort to make these connections. Most times there's always some sort of politics/miscommunication involved and I fucking hate that. There is probably nothing worse than that, truly. Trust me, I've had my fair share of experience dwelling in the "social" aspect of the scene. It is NOT a pretty sight. Well, to me at least. Ugh. Can I please consider this a quarter-life crisis? It's like, I feel I HAVE the necessary talent/skills to take my photography to the next level and actually make some money out of it. Y'know, a real job? I feel like I'm just hanging in between. Like as if I'm trapped between amateur-professional limbo. Stuck in the middle. I don't know how else to put it. I just don't know HOW to proceed from here. Ugh. Clock's ticking, Josh. Soon enough, before you even realise it's happening, you'll be donning your graduation cloak and enlisting for the army. Then what? Then what. That really is the question here, innit? Sigh. I don't think I've ever typed this much in one sitting, omg.

*update*
lol, throwback to this very day exactly a year ago - talking about how ticked off i was for not being able to attend the baybeats budding photog programme. what a coincidence, i just had 2 cigarettes in a row, again. last year i had 3. lol. fyi i did apply again this year. but i'm not gonna get into that. just pretty bummed i didn't get selected this year. i was so sure i'd be chosen again. guess i was too over-confident eh. sigh. that's actually another one of the causes for my distress right now. the fact that the previous batch of baybeats photographers (aka my "friends") are all getting on with their lives and progressing further. and me? i'm stuck here, seemingly going nowhere. sigh. idk.

As my final year in poly draws closer to its end, the reality of my future starts to hit harder - and that's a fact. I've been asking myself more and more each day: "What the hell are you gonna do once poly is over?" And I basically draw a complete blank. I realise that despite me being fairly confident in my photography career (or hopeful is the word I'd use, actually), I don't actually know what EXACTLY I'm going to do. Like, specifically. And this worries me. A lot sometimes. Sigh. This is only the work-related side of my general worries about the future. I do have conflicting, personal worries too, obviously (as you probably would've already gathered from my somewhat cryptic posts - to whomever out there that still actually reads all these). Ugh. Is this really what growing up's all about? How do you make it stop. I really haven't a clue how to go on from here. Then there's army too. UGH. As if things aren't bad enough as they are already. Sometimes I really think the only way to escape all this is literally just to escape. TRAVEL. See the world. Get the fuck outta this shithole. And believe me, I've been trying to accommodate for as many vacations/getaways as I possibly can before graduating. Sigh. But it's so hard. Maybe I'm just at that age, y'know? I don't even know what age I'm referring to exactly or what that 'age' denotes/indicates but... yeah. I don't know. Does this count as a quarter-life crisis or something of the sort? Fucking hell, I hate dealing with all this shit.

i can never find a way to put my entire foals experience into words, really

(self-reminder) to blog about soon:

• lucy's 2nd show
• the foals experience

Just did up an entire post directed at certain people regarding a certain concert (that I hold very dearly to me) by a certain promoter, but decided not to post it. Instead, I'm going to confess something that I've been keeping to myself for quite some time already. For these past 2 years or so, or perhaps even my whole life, I suspect to have been a victim of some form(s) of anxiety disorder. It's been steadily increasing lately, and there was a point in time where I had a sudden "anxiety pang" at work (this was in December I think) - I started breathing really quickly (I forget the term for it - hyperventilating?) and couldn't exactly breathe properly? Like, I also became pretty light-headed all of a sudden? I don't know what the real term is to describe it, and I can't bring myself to look it up because, to me, that would mean accepting the fact that I have this disorder, in some way. And I just can't do that. I don't want this to be true. But the reality of it is that it *is* quite probable/likely that I do have this disorder. I mean, the reason behind that anxiety pang I had at work wasn't even a good reason. It was utterly, downright silly. Not going to say what it was exactly here but it generally had something to do with making plans for a date with somebody but being afraid of it being cancelled? Whatever. Okay, so that was a non-photography-related reason for being anxious. This whole music photography gig, though, has been making me more and more anxious with each passing show that I try to shoot. And the main source of my anxiety is the competition. And this competition solely comprises of the aforementioned "certain people". Slowly spoiling the market yourselves, ironically. But I'm not going to get into that. I'm not going to stop either. Music photography I mean. I've already come this far. Not that it's particularly far in comparison to a lot of other photographers, but the point is: to me, there's no turning back. So what am I to do? I can't just give up photography like this for the sake of my anxiety. Hell, if I did it'd just make my anxiety worse! How the fuck am I supposed to attend gigs thereafter quitting photography? It'd be a nightmare! Sigh. Today, after hearing the news that Ellen Page took the courage to come out (in front of a good number of people), I decided tonight that I'd muster the courage to confess this thing that's been bothering me for the longest time now: this constant feeling of anxiety. Sometimes, suicide can even get thrown into my whirlpool of depressing thoughts. Of course, it's nothing serious. At least not yet I hope. The worst-case-scenarios (meaning the closest I've ever come to actually contemplating suicide) (yes, scenarios - plural form) would consist of me simply thinking of what the hell I'd leave in my note - and most times it's just passive-aggressive accusations directed at specific people and things and whatnot. Yeah. So there you have it. I figure I should talk to somebody about this, but at the moment I can't think of anyone. I do NOT want to be approaching anybody related to me, at all. Ugh. I don't know.

There's a good chance I might be shooting both the FOALS (!!!) and White Lies show next month.

There will always be a special place in my heart for Noah & The Whale.

fuck, after giving this some thought, it just occurred to me that this 3 week holiday is the last one i'll ever have before graduating.
or at least i think it is.
i don't know anything about what's gonna happen during my 3rd year in poly (eg. attachments/internship).
and to be honest i really don't care (surprise surprise)
but where my holidays are concerned, therein lies my own (concern) as well. (did that sentence even make any sense)

less importantly, this 3 week holiday (to most) doesn't even count as a holiday.
to us, these "breaks" (i call them) - are not proper holidays per se.
it's just slightly more time given to us to complete even more assignments than usual.

and i don't even care about the assignments (obviously), i'm just a bit struck by the fact that this will be my last break where i'll be able to travel (before graduating - while i'm still schooling) actually.

i don't know, to me there's a certain perk to travelling - whilst technically still in school - that you can't really get once you graduate?
i guess it's due to the fact that you're confined/limited, in a sense, within this time frame - this period of a few weeks or so?
and by comparison, if i were to travel after graduating i'm not bound by any sort of deadline to be back home by?
so like, on a tight schedule, i guess you'd be forced to plan your trip down to the last detail so as not to waste any time at the country of your choice?
every minute counts is what i'm saying.
i really don't know how to phrase this properly.
can't really be bothered right now either.
but hopefully you see what i'm getting at.
oh and let's not forget that once i graduate there's still that 2 years i have to spend in the fucking army, so there's that - the waiting time/the postponement.

i suppose it could also be a matter of personal preference?
meaning that i'd rather see the world while i'm younger than when i'm older?
and i've a feeling i'm not the only one.
like, who wants to wait till they're in their late 20's before travelling to some of the more captivating countries in the world? not me.

therefore, with my ridiculously tight schedule, i realise that the only time left i can squeeze in a bit of travelling is during this upcoming 3 week break. (that sounded like an oddly long sentence)

less importantly, i've actually sort of applied for a part-time job too, not knowing about any of this "holiday business" beforehand.
so there's that too. sigh. sucks.

(to be continued..?)

it's done. it's settled.
i'm going to see foals on the 4th of march next year. in kl.
yes, you heard me.
on the last week of the last studio project ever as a class (before attachment/internship/i don't even care),
i am flying/taking a coach to kl to see my favourite band live.
so that's a huge middle finger to all, lecturers and coursemates alike.
fuck you all.
hell, i might even be shooting them. foals i mean.
am hoping for the best.

the thought of having to actually do my assignments is just
best not to even consider
fuck it
i've got other things to plan for right now
like urbanscapes for instance

right hand to god, i can assure you that despite trying to prioritize my schoolwork over gigs,
it just isn't working.
(what a relief)
i'm glad my mind's thinking that way.
i'm glad i'm genuinely more worried about my trip to kl this month than my school assignments.
fucking hell i -should- be.

lol i'm sorry but i've really just reached a point where i couldn't give two shits about school anymore
i'm done
i've had it

fuck this course
i'm not gonna waste putting in anymore time and effort into my assignments
it's really not worth it
for just that TINY amount of increase in GPA by a matter of decimal points
fuck it

who cares about creative writing as a dip-plus next semester
i'll find other ways to get the jobs i want in the future
i don't need to have the exact credentials in plain sight printed on paper for you
i'll find my own ways
fuck school
i don't need my 3.0 GPA

right now all i want is to focus on my photog and better myself at it
actually, that's only partially true
right now all i really want for the remainder of my poly life is to kick back, relax, and chill my way through
occasionally shoot a couple gigs if i've the passes

my last and final studio project this semester takes place next feb-mar
i don't even care anymore.
i'm going to kl to see foals on the 4th, most likely during the week of/before presentation (the big thing)
fuck it
nothing's gonna stand in my way
i'm not gonna lose out on this opportunity to see one of the most influential bands (to me) and also one of my favourites for many years now (since secondary school) that i'd kill to see live
(remind me again to write another post regarding the comparison of music photography here and in the UK to do with the music scene)
i will do whatever it takes to try and photograph them, too
and even if i can't, fuck it
i'm still going there to catch them live

so yeah
yes, i'm pretty pissed
on top of wanting to skin everyone alive from my class (which i have given some serious thought to),
i have now basically reached the climax of my apathy(???)
fuck, i can't even be bothered to write properly
that's the state i'm in right now

fuck this school
and my course
so hard
ugh.

I fucking hate my course so much.
My tolerance towards everyone/everything rapidly diminishes with each passing day.
I want to slit your throats open, ugh.

I just want my diploma, and to fuck off the face of this earth.
Good riddance.

Fucking pissed. Distraught. I don’t even know where to begin. Probably not the best time to be ranting seeing as how this will settle over time but for now it’s a low blow. Fuck. So I found out symmetry WAS actually taking in official photogs for camp symmetry next Saturday. And basically the OS photogs are all going. Or rather this year’s baybeats team. With the exception of one guy. I mean, 4 people are shooting - and only one of them, who, like me, wasn’t a part of the baybeats photog programme this year. But the point is that they’re a clique. Okay not really. A batch, more like. Like how somebody else described them. This “team” of 4 people, who I feel have always excluded me from the group. I know that this is largely my fault alone, seeing as how I’m never willing to go out of my way to socialize and establish connections. But really, I just can’t believe this is actually happening. Okay yes, I’m aware that my complaining now is very one-sided/biased. Ugh. I don’t know what else to say. Like, I keep thinking of ways to beat the system, so to speak. Beat them at my own game, y’know? Like, send emails out to other publications which I believe they never contacted before, stuff like that. My own personal “trump cards”, if you will. But every time, every fucking time, that I think I’m one step ahead of them, they prove me wrong. For instance, the recent BMTH show - it’s terribly selfish of me but I find comfort in the knowledge that nobody else (or at least majority of the group) is shooting the show. I feel it gives me equal grounding(?). So anyway, there’s always this gap between when me and this guy in the group (my closest friend of the lot) will talk to each other on Facebook, to discuss recent/upcoming shows and what have you. Normally it is then that I’d find out who he’s shooting for, the gigs he might be getting, etc. But as of late it’s been getting worse (for selfish ol’ me again, of course) because I find out every time we converse that he’s getting to shoot shows that I don’t. So just this afternoon I find out that he’s shooting camp symmetry officially (which is by far one of the LOWEST BLOWS in the history of me not getting to shoot shows) for symmetry directly. And not only is he doing that alone, but, as I feared, he’s shooting it with the whole “batch”. The lot of them. Fuck. I mean, okay, to give you a better idea of how much of a fucking gut-wrencher this is, I only stated my interest in shooting urbanscapes festival (IN KUALA FUCKING LUMPUR, WHICH I AM PAYING DEARLY FOR) for the sole purpose of shooting Franz Ferdinand - a highly acclaimed musician, as most of you would know. And he’s just one act, a headliner, out of many others. So, in comparison, FOR FREE, this fucking team are staying put RIGHT HERE IN SINGAPORE TO SHOOT *MULTIPLE* INDIE MUSICIANS BACK TO BACK WHICH I WOULD DIE TO HAVE SHOT for camp symmetry. Yeah. See the picture now? Urbanscapes - one bigshot indie artist, paying dearly. Camp symmetry - ALL INDIE ARTISTS, free-of-charge. Fuck my fucking miserable excuse for a life, seriously. And by the way, to the friend of mine in the clique who may happen to chance upon this post, just know that I can't help but feel a little betrayed. Yeah.

just had my first nightmare about urbanscapes this morning.
(hopefully not the first in a series to come)
but yeah wow it was pretty terrifying.
it is friday, supposedly the day before the festival is even scheduled to start.
i'm there with somebody, i forgot who.
it's night.
franz ferdinand takes the stage.
the crowd is mental.
everything is a blur from when i start snapping pictures in the pit to when i'm out after the 3rd song.
the panic arrives when i realize that my lens is faulty.
for some reason the photographers were asked to leave their gear at one side for a period of time?
after said period of time was over, i collected my camera back (from the ground?)
and it is then that i realize my lens (the tamron 17-50 2.8) (aka my "all-in-one" lens, the one that i use to take 99% of all my shots with) is faulty,
as in i can't zoom with it or focus or anything.
all is a blur again, until i am suddenly crowd-surfed for a considerable distance (approx. 10-20 rows back into the crowd?)
i am let down gently, to my surprise, albeit the horror i was feeling from not being in the pit anymore + my lens being broken.
i quickly rush to the side, where i regroup with my friend.
still in panic mode, i find another friend in the crowd who so happens to have a 18-35 3.5-5.6 (i am amazed at how i can still remember the exact lenses).
i ask to borrow it from him.
he says only in exchange for my prime.
i hesitantly swap with him.
he's being an ass about it.
i freak out, a lot, for some reason.
i think my prime had scratches on it too or something.
i was screaming.

i then wake up, sweating.
couldn't really differentiate reality from dreams at that point in time, which was weird.
that was the terrifying part: it felt as if what had happened in the dream had really happened in reality.
sigh. ah well.

this is just a small thought but i think i might wanna move to australia to cover shows on a regular basis.
of course, getting paid for it too, hopefully.
emphasis on 'hopefully'.
the thought occurred to me this morning during class.
i was looking at one music site in particular - looked like it works pretty much the same way that other sounds operates.
i mean, there wasn't much difference, not even in the layout of the site and all.
(on a side note: damn i really have to find more avenues through which i can vent my music/photog thoughts/frustrations)
so yeah
i guess when compared to the larger states australia doesn't get much attention from bands but it certainly gets more than singapore any day.
and even if i didn't get to shoot huge bands like foals or peace at least covering the local shows wouldn't be too bad either, i mean, they are australian after all.
the birthplace of last dinosaurs.
sigh.
yeah, haven't really given this thought much.. thought. but it's there.

update:
there's a plus side and a minus side to music photography in australia.
the minus side is as mentioned above (less bands perform on a regular basis there as compared to larger states),
and the plus side, which i've just conveniently thought of, is that there will be an annual festival taking place there every year: laneway. australia is literally the founder of the festival, the place where it all got started.
moving there and shooting there might give me a chance to photograph a festival like that, hopefully.
oh but then again there are larger-scale festivals to think about too, elsewhere, like glastonbury, reading + leeds, etc.
ah, damn. ok i hadn't thought that far, clearly. shit.
ugh, the uk really has it all.

so...

well, i suppose it's time for yet another routinely update on my GPA then.
so, i kinda dropped to a meager 3.09 this semester. ha
not surprised at all.
can't say i expected more, really.
but wow, a 0.3 drop.
haha, still letting that sink in.

but really tbh, my initial reaction was just: haha, fuck
i really honestly couldn't be arsed anymore.
had that mindset ever since year 2 sem 1 commenced.

yup, that's about it then.
it shall all spiral downhill from hereon and out,
good night!

There’s still so much I don’t know, and that really bothers me.
I don’t say I’m “only” 18.
Instead, I would say I’m “already” 18.