Friday, August 31, 2012, 9:19 PM //
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Have so much on my mind but can't find the time to let it out.
Guhhrhhrhghrhhhghh
Sunday, August 19, 2012, 1:15 PM //
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I realised that all these delusions unknowingly help me to get by.
It's not something I'm very proud to be admitting, but there you go.
I don't know, it's just whenever I spend loads of time talking to these so-called "friends" of mine,
or fill my head with all these fantasies (as you call them), I seem to lose track of time.
That's not a good thing. Not at all.
It's like doing drugs, come to think of it.
It's bad for me, but I still continue to do it because, frankly,
without it, I'd be on a downward spiral back to the miserable state I was in few months ago.
So it's like banking on false hopes to get me by.
I actually did notice this a while back but just couldn't find the time to express my thoughts.
And during that time I told myself, it's alright to carry on with this,
but I gotta know where to draw the lines.
I gotta be vigilant and not get caught up in these fantasies,
to keep telling myself it's not what this is all about, sad as it may be.
It's just reality.
Accepting this fact has been really difficult for me.
Some days it's a constant struggle for me to keep my head up.
Yeah, I think you get the point.
There's this excerpt I read from an interview conducted with Joseph Gordon-Levitt:
“The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.”
I literally re-read this about a dozen times over,
because it's uncanny how I can relate to this almost completely.
And this will undoubtedly serve as a constant reminder for me.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012, 9:18 PM //
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Semester's almost over. That was fast.
Hate to admit it but I'm genuinely busy right now, like, packed.
May have exaggerated a little bit earlier during the year about the projects/assignments.
Yeah sure, the bulk of our final (major) assignments were due for submission this week, presentations included.
But come next week, the studio project will be upon us.
For the benefit of those who have no clue what a studio project is, here's what the situation's like:
While most poly students sit for their exams which take place over the course of the next 3 weeks,
my coursemates and I aren't going to be having any papers or tests.
BUT.
The rest of the poly population will most likely only need to turn up for 3 days tops,
and I'll be reporting to school promptly E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y, for 3 WEEKS, from 9.30-6pm.
Even the lecturers said so themselves, it's working hours for us.
Working hours.
Here, in poly.
Kill me now.
And basically, it's gonna have to be a constant day-to-day effort for us to get through this studio project.
They really don't get off our backs on the whole consistency thing, ugh.
Like, they even set us milestones that we're expected to reach by certain days.
What's worse? It's graded, too. The milestones I mean.
10%'s here and there, spread out over the 3 weeks.
But the bulk of the weightage comes from our final presentation, of course.
Hah, the amount of THINGS we have to get done, where do I even begin.
Sighhh.
So I pray I'll make good use of this small break between now and then.
After tomorrow, I'm gonna get me some serious R&R.
I hate how I'm not putting in the same amount of effort as I used to when communicating with people nowadays.
The worst part is, I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen,
that under whatever circumstances, I'd be 100% responsive to any text or call.
Guess it can't really be helped huh.
Something just occurred to me recently.
All this, this work cycle, the education process... life, as a whole, is nothing more than a vicious cycle.
I mean, people say that, but I think I just came to realise it's true meaning, through an observation I made.
It's a peculiar and questionable comparison, but here it is:
A very close friend of mine comes to me whenever she has troubles,
they could be in the form of complaints, rants, or just simple ramblings of how she's had her bad days.
And I'm alright with that, hahaha.
Just cos, you know, we agreed I naturally exhibit this calming aura(???) but anyway.
I step out for a bit, and I sneak a peek at the bigger picture.
My mum arrives home slightly later than usual one night.
At the dining table, she starts ranting about the lousy service she's been getting from her clients/repairmen/whoever.
I mean, she's voicing out things that don't usually get brought up in your average dinner conversation.
Things my sister and I have no interest in knowing about.
Okay wait, sorry, she's ranting to my dad, just to be clear. Yeah.
I genuinely feel uneasy just sitting there, so I get up and leave.
So as I was saying, the bigger picture.
Theoretically speaking, if this friend of mine were to somehow become my wife in future,
would some nights consist of the awkward dinner situation with our kids?
With her coming to me with all her problems/complaints?
It's like my mum all over again.
See the similarities?
I don't want that to happen, not at all.
I don't know, just been feeling a bit edgy lately.
I'm not even sure if what I just said made any sense.
It did in my head though.
I need my sleep, badly.