time to try and get a few things off my chest, again.

*cue existential crisis*
yeah like i mentioned yesterday, i'm at a loss in terms of deciding on what i'm gonna do in the future, i really am.
during my travels in the uk i had the pleasure of getting to know a few old folks there,
my parents and i (my parents mostly) were obligated to socialize with them.
it was only after they'd talked about how much they'd achieved (or basically how much they'd been through their whole lives) that they started to question my sister and i (me mostly); what did we want to do with our future?
and at that point i literally drew a complete blank
normally i'd have been able to come up with something on the spot that would've sounded somewhat accurate about what i'd really want to be doing (or something along those lines, sorta), NORMALLY
but with these complete total strangers i just
i couldn't answer
for like a few seconds
i just... sat there
and simply said, for once, in *complete* honesty: "i don't know"

it was from that point forward that i'd begun to get increasingly worried about the future i suppose.
before being questioned that night with the caucasian strangers, people have asked me the same questions before. i think they were relatives, a handful of them. or people relatively close to me.
come to think of it, i have never had complete strangers ask me what i wanna do with my future before.
everyone who has asked me this before knows me on/to a certain level to know where i'm coming from, y'know? they get me, and i don't have to really explain myself, it's understood.
but with these strangers i realized that, yes, i don't have the faintest clue on what i'm going to do.

i think i'd like to take a moment to admit to something i've been putting on lately - an act, more like it.
the whole photography act is... how should i put this?
less than it seems to be? less.. serious(?) than it looks?
what i'm trying to say here is: whenever i'm around people (anyone except my parents, that is) i put up this act (subconsciously most times i presume) that makes it look like my photography skills are of a certain level, when really, i seriously doubt that it is.
right now i'm trying to think of examples to cite, hmmm.
poly classmates would be a first.
most definitely.
no questions asked.
hell, MY WHOLE SELF/BEING is an act whenever i'm around them
y'know, what with the alleged superiority complex thing going on with me as well.
ugh.
yeah so back to the point, the whole photography thing basically MAY be an act i've been putting up.
to some people.
augh i don't even know what i'm really saying.
okay.
i do try, i really do.
and i genuinely have a passion to want to take good photos,
especially/more so at gigs
i genuinely want to build up a good portfolio
i genuinely want to be recognized as an accomplished freelance photographer (or at least have some credentials?)
i really do.
i guess sometimes i get carried away(?) and the way i act towards certain people tells them that i already am/have all of this?
i don't even know.
yeah, that's my little confession there.

which could also be the reason why i'm so worried these days.
because of the acts i put up?
because what if i'm not actually as good as i believe i am?
because then i would have NOTHING?
ohmygod. sigh

and! the things that make it worse could only be the people that have so much already
by this i mean that people MY AGE or around my age have lots to show for their portfolios and whatnot, and i don't.
people MY AGE are getting involved in the working industry, in whichever sectors they are in
which means that they are more or less covered/safe for their future - they at least have something to fall back on if anything goes wrong.
i think i've talked about this before in another post.
about people like these.
not only do they make me worried, they frustrate me so much too.
guess i'm just jealous/envious.
i *would* use this comparing as means to better myself, but knowing me, and my pessimism, all this can only make me feel worse. sigh

...
i lost my train of thought.

never mind, will post again if something comes up.
in the meantime, in other news, i've made 140 bucks lately for a gig i covered last week.
bit of a long story but it's probably nothing more than a happy coincidence that i made this money.
probably not due to any sort of skills whatsoever that i may possess.
yeah.
look out for july's issue of juice magazines.
i'm in there, somewhere.
i should be.
meh

nope, still extremely despondent about the fact that everyone's off having the time of their lives (ok not really but you get my point of exaggeration) shooting at baybeats this year.

i try my best not to think about it and just move on, but it just keeps coming back to bug me
sometimes it gets so bad to the point that it's really all i can think of - not being able to shoot this year, all the time wasted (again, not really but you get my point - using the time to better myself blah blah blah), how much everybody else (this time everybody else REALLY) is advancing in their careers and whatnot and how i'm stuck/held back/left behind to wait another year before i can further my (for lack of a better word) skill/talent in this field, etc etc - it gets pretty bad
i can barely function at times, when this is all i think about.
i don't even know.

also, amidst all the chaos and busyness lately i've been thinking more and more about the future, cliche as it may sound.
i am genuinely worried.
i think the reason why i'm so bothered like i've never been before about all this baybeats hubbub is because, put simply, i don't see myself doing anything as productive in the future, honestly.
photography seems to be my thing now.
haven't had enough time to think this through properly, lemme just put that out there.
i'm just rationalizing this on short notice.
i mean, how do i put this.
my mindset has already been set to work mode, in the field of photography, so to speak.
like, terms such as "clients", "assignments", etc etc. are becoming increasingly common to me now.
and i'm adapting, sorta.
i go on shoots, i'm working, if i'm lucky i get recognized?
yeah basically i'm pretty much in the "working" mindset for a photographer lately, a freelance one of course.

sigh.
definitely need to blog/rant again soon.