Monday, May 27, 2013, 12:25 AM //
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i beg to differ, at least where my poly environment is concerned.
and when that's the case, it's actually both.
so when you see me being anti-social/isolated/self-ostracized/whatever,
refer to this ^
Sunday, May 26, 2013, 1:20 AM //
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i need to get this whole superiority-inferiority complex thing off my chest asap.
just read up about the two from these links:
and i seriously think i may be suffering from this, but in a mild form
and i really honestly think it may've been circumstantial
as in, the situations i've been put in throughout secondary school and post-secondary
idk, i guess these complexities(?) just manifested by themselves?
from what i skimmed through, according to the above-mentioned sites,
superiority complex (what i believe to be suffering from right now, though suffering's not a word i'd use) is "generally the result of an underlying inferiority complex", which is what i believe to have suffered from before the post-secondary period
it's like, yeah, it's all coming together now, it kinda makes sense
okay
inferiority complex in secondary school - believing, sometimes unconsciously, that i'm "not as worthy or as skilled as my peers"- seems pretty legit
and as a result of that, superiority complex in poly - thinking of myself as "superior to other people", the simplest way of putting it - that part alone is true, the rest of the so-called symptoms are really.. exaggerated? yeah it's all stated in the website and i really doubt i exhibit any of the mentioned traits. i don't.
i think, and i really don't mean to offend anyone by saying this, that IQ has a huge part to play in this.
like, okay it's pretty obvious, barker was, by comparison (with poly kids), a smart(er) school.
so naturally i won't mix well with any of the poly kids right?
but sometimes it's really ugh, i can't stand it.
yeah.
does that count as superiority complex? idk.
okay i think i trailed off slightly from what i originally wanted to talk about.
forgot what was my point, urgh.
basically the whole gist of this rant is about superiority/inferiority complex
(good god i actually originally typed stupidity vs superiority what is wrong with me)
yeah and that is why i find i can relate so well with fictional characters that are portrayed as being more superior than others.
(ie, sherlock, khan - both played by none other than benedict cumberbatch)
it's, idk how to describe it, it's like i wanna just grab him and scream "I FEEL YOU", y'know?
to his characters, i mean
ugh, common people repel me.
a common thought of mine.
YES okay i finally remembered what i was gonna talk about, totally unrelated though.
vices.
i seem to be needing more and more of it nowadays.
and they come in the form of, well, cigarettes and alcohol.
what else?
(ugh, commonplace items.)
basically, and i'm gonna be completely honest here because i'm writing this post in a rush,
i don't like feeling emotions, more specifically those triggered by hormones and blah blah blah you get the idea.
so in order to rid myself of such thoughts that accompany these *shudders* feelings,
i smoke.
yes.
right, i just realised why i wanted to write this post so urgently.
i've just watched star trek.
khan - superiority complex
spock - emotionless
and for some reason when it came to emotions and vices to get rid of them i suddenly thought of a clockwork orange.
the guy was strapped to a chair and forced to watch films/footage (i can't remember what exactly) to quell his violent/sexual urges such that everytime he witnessed an act of violence or something sexual-related happening it triggered his gag reflex.
he was repelled by it.
revolted. disgusted.
he didn't want anything to have to do with that.
he was driven to the point of even being rendered vulnerable.
(corrupt cops took advantage of that fact, but i'll leave it to you to watch the film or read the book to find out more)
my point is: could someone possibly think of a way to make this applicable to emotions, too?
like, come up with something to target emotions/feelings; a drug? or something similar to that of the strap-down-to-a-chair-and-be-made-to-watch-gross-films technique, except hopefully less drastic?
i'd applaud the genius who invents something to serve that purpose.
really, i would.
and you can bet your last dime i'd be one of the first to get my hands on such a vice.
because at the moment i'd be willing to do most anything to not be able to experience these ridiculous emotions. urghaufhgjskdfl
okay, rant's up, i've covered what i wanted to say mostly.
in a bit of a rush right now so whatever
and i really honestly think it may've been circumstantial
as in, the situations i've been put in throughout secondary school and post-secondary
idk, i guess these complexities(?) just manifested by themselves?
from what i skimmed through, according to the above-mentioned sites,
superiority complex (what i believe to be suffering from right now, though suffering's not a word i'd use) is "generally the result of an underlying inferiority complex", which is what i believe to have suffered from before the post-secondary period
it's like, yeah, it's all coming together now, it kinda makes sense
okay
inferiority complex in secondary school - believing, sometimes unconsciously, that i'm "not as worthy or as skilled as my peers"- seems pretty legit
and as a result of that, superiority complex in poly - thinking of myself as "superior to other people", the simplest way of putting it - that part alone is true, the rest of the so-called symptoms are really.. exaggerated? yeah it's all stated in the website and i really doubt i exhibit any of the mentioned traits. i don't.
i think, and i really don't mean to offend anyone by saying this, that IQ has a huge part to play in this.
like, okay it's pretty obvious, barker was, by comparison (with poly kids), a smart(er) school.
so naturally i won't mix well with any of the poly kids right?
but sometimes it's really ugh, i can't stand it.
yeah.
does that count as superiority complex? idk.
okay i think i trailed off slightly from what i originally wanted to talk about.
forgot what was my point, urgh.
basically the whole gist of this rant is about superiority/inferiority complex
(good god i actually originally typed stupidity vs superiority what is wrong with me)
yeah and that is why i find i can relate so well with fictional characters that are portrayed as being more superior than others.
(ie, sherlock, khan - both played by none other than benedict cumberbatch)
it's, idk how to describe it, it's like i wanna just grab him and scream "I FEEL YOU", y'know?
to his characters, i mean
a common thought of mine.
YES okay i finally remembered what i was gonna talk about, totally unrelated though.
vices.
i seem to be needing more and more of it nowadays.
and they come in the form of, well, cigarettes and alcohol.
what else?
(ugh, commonplace items.)
basically, and i'm gonna be completely honest here because i'm writing this post in a rush,
i don't like feeling emotions, more specifically those triggered by hormones and blah blah blah you get the idea.
so in order to rid myself of such thoughts that accompany these *shudders* feelings,
i smoke.
yes.
right, i just realised why i wanted to write this post so urgently.
i've just watched star trek.
khan - superiority complex
spock - emotionless
and for some reason when it came to emotions and vices to get rid of them i suddenly thought of a clockwork orange.
the guy was strapped to a chair and forced to watch films/footage (i can't remember what exactly) to quell his violent/sexual urges such that everytime he witnessed an act of violence or something sexual-related happening it triggered his gag reflex.
he was repelled by it.
revolted. disgusted.
he didn't want anything to have to do with that.
he was driven to the point of even being rendered vulnerable.
(corrupt cops took advantage of that fact, but i'll leave it to you to watch the film or read the book to find out more)
my point is: could someone possibly think of a way to make this applicable to emotions, too?
like, come up with something to target emotions/feelings; a drug? or something similar to that of the strap-down-to-a-chair-and-be-made-to-watch-gross-films technique, except hopefully less drastic?
i'd applaud the genius who invents something to serve that purpose.
really, i would.
and you can bet your last dime i'd be one of the first to get my hands on such a vice.
because at the moment i'd be willing to do most anything to not be able to experience these ridiculous emotions. urghaufhgjskdfl
okay, rant's up, i've covered what i wanted to say mostly.
in a bit of a rush right now so whatever
Friday, May 17, 2013, 2:06 AM //
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i am actually a lot more ticked off than i thought i'd be.
i thought i was mentally prepared for this - the worst.
apparently not.
i don't think i've felt disappointment to this extent before.
this is like, a whole new level.
idk, i can't begin to describe how dismal my mood is right now.
like, the fact that i can't shoot for baybeats this year is just, sigh.
the feeling's the same as if i were to retain another year in secondary school.
that's how i feel about this whole thing,
idk, i feel like time is really of the essence here.
like, the guy who inspired me before?
he got the gig in his 2nd year and he took it.
me? I GOT THE FUCKING GIG AND I'M IN MY 2ND YEAR NOW AS WELL AND JUST KNOWING THE FACT AND FACING THE INEVITABILITY OF IT ALL THAT I WON'T BE ATTENDING THIS IS JUST MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE i'm sorry
i just feel like if i were to register to be a budding photographer again in my 3rd year there'd be a significant difference.
like, all my friends, or a few, rather, from other sounds, they got in this year too.
which is great, except i won't be joining them.
and the worst part is i don't even know if i'll register again next year i mean, urgh.
what's the point?
idk, my mindset right now is just telling me that "it's now or never".
i'm also ticked off slightly because i see other people in their 2nd years getting so involved with all this already and it just makes me feel horrible that i'm LAGGING BEHIND.
yes, that's the word i was looking for - lagging.
right now i feel like i'm lagging behind, A LOT.
i see people with portfolios and i see people who know what they're gonna do with their lives and i just feel so inferior and insignificant and sigh.
basically 2nd year is crucial to me, i feel. like, extremely.
it sets the tone, y'know?
because i figure come 3rd year i won't have time for much else because, well, it's my FINAL YEAR.
2nd year has by comparison the most amount of free time for poly students to get more involved with outside-of-school activities that'll help them in future.
and that's what's really pissing me off.
I'M MISSING OUT.
on a golden opportunity.
fuck.
plus, totally unrelated but since i'm on a ranting spree i might as well get this off my chest:
i recently found out the perfect word to describe the way i am, and that word is "brittle".
brittle - inflexible, liable to break or snap easily under stress or pressureokay maybe not, but i'd say it's pretty accurate about the way i feel about myself right now.
brittle - emotionally fragile
i can't even
sigh forget it, i don't wanna try and figure all this out.
i thought i'd be impervious to such emotions and feelings.
i thought i'd be stronger than this.
i thought it'd be easier than this.
i thought wrong.
i've just had 3 cigarettes in a row.
i can't begin to describe how dreadful this feeling is,
knowing that i'm having these feelings, i just can't
what is wrong with me.
Sunday, May 5, 2013, 2:02 PM //
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I AM SEETHING WITH HATRED FOR THE PEOPLE IN MY COURSE AND WITH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE NO IDEA
at times i just want to scream this in everybody's faces in school:
