Sometimes I think to myself, I'm so broken that all these letdowns couldn't torment me more, maybe I'm so broken that I've developed a sort of immunity to it?
As of this point forward, I will never have any expectations anymore.
Learnt that somewhere, if you have low expectations, you won't be disappointed as much.
My stomach feels constricted, heck I'm constricted.

"Feelings are dumb and should be hated."

"There's no such thing as love, it is merely a fantasy."

Feel like that girl from 'Speak' now.
Except what's happening now is happening after I graduate.
Maybe there's a lesson to be learnt, I can't run away from all these things.
I can, however, hide from them, like my own 'closet of solitude' if you will.
Which would kinda contradict the common line "You can run, but you can't hide!"
Guess it's true, the past will always find some sort of way to come back to torment me.
I don't feel like doing anything.
Don't wanna go out.
I just want to stay home and sleep.
Don't even wanna bother trying to explain what's going on right now.
It's a bit sad, really.
For 4 years I expected this moment to be way more exciting than it turned out to be.
*scoff* friends? Who needs them?

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend,"

Does anyone know how it feels,
how it feels knowing and/or seeing that certain people are just... better than you?
Like, in almost every sense, better?
Trust me, the way it feels, cannot be described with words.

I've been reduced you see, reduced to such a state that I'm stuck with- sigh.
I never wanted to say this, but stuck with these bunch of people.
I don't belong here.
In fact I'm sick and tired of seeing the same old people every other day.
It's getting on my fucking nerves.
I mean, everything everybody does or says is just either so immature or just plain pathetic that its annoying.

Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm looking for some sort of avenue to prove myself.
To prove to certain people I'm not like them.
I'm different.
I'm indifferent.

God why is this happening to me.

Been having particularly peculiar dreams lately.
Made me realise certain things too.
I can't explain it, but some of them have proved to be quite accurate that it's scary.
Some of them just plain nonsense.

Last night I dreamt about getting my results back.
Obviously, realistically, it's not gonna look as bad as I predict it to be.
Maybe I exaggerate, but thinking about it, how many points exactly am I going to scrape off? Not much, that's for sure. This I'm certain of.
The only thing I remember seeing on my report card was 23 points for my L1R4 and 30 points for my L1R5.
Made me re-evaluate the possibility of that ever happening.
Quite unlikely.
And even so, if I do shave off that few points, what good is it gonna do for me?
I still can't get into a lot of courses in poly.
Whatever, I'm probably just thinking too much.
I wanna forget about all of this, but I can't.
Feel really horrible now.
I want to ostracise myself from society for the longest time so I can sort my life out.
I need to be in solitude, that's probably what's best for me right now.

Oh, and if you're curious, after collecting my results back in my dream, the world sort of ended.
Utter chaos and mayhem ensued.
Train services stopped.
I was running for dear life away from god knows what.
Was it a plague?
Can't remember.
Yeah.
Bit pointless, yet interesting at the same time hmm?

Right, exam updates.
Blanked out during SS, just like how I did for the rest of my humanities papers.
Wrote two to three lines for the SBQs. Each of them.
I fucking hate SBQs.
Didn't even cross-refer or however you do that.
I mean, if the standard questions came out I would at least give my best effort to answer them because I have a rough idea on how to do that.
But what the hell, what kind of questions were those?
Didn't know how to answer.
Sri Lanka came out.
Surprisingly, I couldn't remember most of the details.
Didn't even know how to answer the second part of the question.
Only wrote 2 paragraphs (of nonsense).
So yeah, screwed up SS for sure.
Another F9 on the list.
Normally in class, without fail, I'll get 9/12 for every single essay I write.
And when I write I give every single detail.
This time it was just generalised.
So I'm estimating my ss marks to be 15/50? Give or take a few marks?
Added to geog, which got 19 or 20, that gives me 34 or 35 in total. Percent.
Oh hey F9, we meet again.

I drew tables for POA.
The only thing is that the tables were either blank or had dates written in them.
I can't remember.
Of course, as expected, none of the theory questions made any sense so once again I was forced to either bullshit my way through this paper or leave it blank.
Skipped a 17 mark question completely.
Yeah.
Why did I even turn up for the paper?

Let's face it, I have no future.

So, this is what my report card is gonna look like.

I have no future.
On top of that, my life is in a complete fucking mess.

What's the point anymore?

Yup, definitely going to ITE.
Both today's geog and physics papers confirmed that.
Most probably get 19 or 20 out of 50 for geog.
Didn't finish.
Physics was impossible.
Like, I don't even know what to say.
Looking through the answers online, I realise I didn't even pass the paper.
I can't begin to describe how bad it stings to see how the answers were staring straight at me in the face but I didn't see them, really, honestly, I mean the amount of parts I got wrong is just.. sigh.
My humanities are already failing, or more like maintaining their F9s, and I can't even count on my science.
I shouldn't even go for the rest of my papers.
Better to have a dash next to the subject as compared to an F9, like what tim said.
Plus, it's POA tomorrow.
Don't even get me started on bell curves.

I'm going to ITE.
I don't, I can't even..
Fuck this.