my insecurities have consumed me whole.

fuck. major concert shoot possibly getting turned down tomorrow.
i think i'm feeling as shit or maybe even worse than when i got turned down for baybeats.
i can't even begin to explain how much i was looking forward to tomorrow's show.
it's scary, i was just about to talk about how i actually had a nightmare just last night about the show.
as in, the nightmare saw me turning up late for the event,
then most of it was a blur,
think i only had my prime lens on me.
and to be more specific i recall only being able to take 5 pictures.
FIVE PICTURES.
of a full-scale concert, with a photo pit (which i was supposed to be getting tomorrow).
idk, to the average person it's not as scary but to me it was truly horrific.
then in the dream i found out those 5 pictures were completely shit (ie, blurred, face cropped off, body cropped off, etc.)
can you imagine for a moment, an opportunity like this slipping by just like that?
yeah, i think you get the idea.
pretty scarring dream.
was thinking about it almost the whole of today.
idk, maybe i was getting too worked up about this gig?
but c'mon, cut me some slack. it's, in all fairness, my first actual REAL show.
and i emphasize again, i was looking forward to it for the longest time now.
the moment i got asked if i could shoot the band because another guy couldn't make the re-scheduled date was probably one of the highest points in my life?
and now they tell me, at 2am in the morning, that they might not have photo passes.
fuck?
i don't know luh, the amount of preparation i put into all this mentally and physically is just... sigh.
really fucking depressed right now.

i have this theory that the more i prepare for a certain event in the future,
the less likely it'll happen.
like, especially when it's something i'm REALLY looking forward to.
could be anything - a date, an event, whatever.
basically the more i look forward to it and start planning ahead, the chances of it actually happening get slimmer and slimmer.
idk.
it's been this way for most cases so far.

sigh

need to rant again.
not gonna do it in full, just gonna list out some pointers.
it's way too late and i haven't slept well this past week.

1. fuck school (that should've been pretty obvious)

**2.** talk about how i can't fully enjoy ATTENDING gigs nowadays and not be able to shoot whoever's performing (ie. the xx, fall out boy), rant about out-of-this-world light set-ups and literally infinite possibilities for good shots from so many diff angles BUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SHOOT etc etc.

3. my inability to write properly, or to craft beautiful pieces of work (with words), which sorta links to the next point;

4. so many other people out there can write well and frankly i'm jealous. which leads to me questioning lots of things;

5. what am i doing with my life, like for serious. i've spent way more time than i should've showering while contemplating this very question on more than one occasion. what am i doing in this course. what am i gonna be doing a few years down the road. how will my career in photography (if i consider myself to even have one) pan out. (ie. i could be spending time bettering my writing or other things like playing instruments and whatnot, example of how aditya was so determined to pursue what he wanted to do - mass comm (not really sure what in particular, journalism or something i think?) and just swapped courses just like that)

sigh

6. creating a proper portfolio (blogspot is shit tbh), which leads to;

7. time management, the fact that i now actually have to be responsible in managing my time and all is just ugh. really? like, yeah. this is what growing up must be like. (ie. how much time and effort will i allow myself to spend on editing photos/making a proper portfolio with regards to my photography and how much time i HAVE TO SET ASIDE for work like schoolwork and stuff urgh)

8. other miscellaneous things like how i can actually feel time flying by really fast?



-UPDATE-

with regards to 5 & 7 i think it's mostly bc i've gotten close to a couple of coursemates and their workflow and everything and yeah, just. ugh. not that i don't like it (not entirely true) i just didn't, y'know, expect myself to actually have a workflow and all this its just. it's a lot to handle, that's all i'm saying. blah, idk. needa find time to properly explain myself. everything's in such a mess right now.

+ studio project coming up soon
+ one of my coursemates forewarning me of the many sleepness nights to come and basically the overall intensity of the project and his expectations and all ugh stress
+ do i really want all this?

fuck