Just did up an entire post directed at certain people regarding a certain concert (that I hold very dearly to me) by a certain promoter, but decided not to post it. Instead, I'm going to confess something that I've been keeping to myself for quite some time already. For these past 2 years or so, or perhaps even my whole life, I suspect to have been a victim of some form(s) of anxiety disorder. It's been steadily increasing lately, and there was a point in time where I had a sudden "anxiety pang" at work (this was in December I think) - I started breathing really quickly (I forget the term for it - hyperventilating?) and couldn't exactly breathe properly? Like, I also became pretty light-headed all of a sudden? I don't know what the real term is to describe it, and I can't bring myself to look it up because, to me, that would mean accepting the fact that I have this disorder, in some way. And I just can't do that. I don't want this to be true. But the reality of it is that it *is* quite probable/likely that I do have this disorder. I mean, the reason behind that anxiety pang I had at work wasn't even a good reason. It was utterly, downright silly. Not going to say what it was exactly here but it generally had something to do with making plans for a date with somebody but being afraid of it being cancelled? Whatever. Okay, so that was a non-photography-related reason for being anxious. This whole music photography gig, though, has been making me more and more anxious with each passing show that I try to shoot. And the main source of my anxiety is the competition. And this competition solely comprises of the aforementioned "certain people". Slowly spoiling the market yourselves, ironically. But I'm not going to get into that. I'm not going to stop either. Music photography I mean. I've already come this far. Not that it's particularly far in comparison to a lot of other photographers, but the point is: to me, there's no turning back. So what am I to do? I can't just give up photography like this for the sake of my anxiety. Hell, if I did it'd just make my anxiety worse! How the fuck am I supposed to attend gigs thereafter quitting photography? It'd be a nightmare! Sigh. Today, after hearing the news that Ellen Page took the courage to come out (in front of a good number of people), I decided tonight that I'd muster the courage to confess this thing that's been bothering me for the longest time now: this constant feeling of anxiety. Sometimes, suicide can even get thrown into my whirlpool of depressing thoughts. Of course, it's nothing serious. At least not yet I hope. The worst-case-scenarios (meaning the closest I've ever come to actually contemplating suicide) (yes, scenarios - plural form) would consist of me simply thinking of what the hell I'd leave in my note - and most times it's just passive-aggressive accusations directed at specific people and things and whatnot. Yeah. So there you have it. I figure I should talk to somebody about this, but at the moment I can't think of anyone. I do NOT want to be approaching anybody related to me, at all. Ugh. I don't know.

There's a good chance I might be shooting both the FOALS (!!!) and White Lies show next month.