Saturday, November 5, 2016, 12:05 PM //
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Sometimes, just sometimes - not all the time, I feel like people don't... get me. Like, they don't really or fully understand me. Not quite. I can't seem to find the right or accurate word to describe this feeling. I mean, sure yeah, some people do. But sometimes I feel like it's... barely scratching the surface? I don't know. Is it wrong of me to want people to "understand" me better? To "get" me? Is it wrong of me to want... for lack of a better word, more?
I want to be fully immersed in the films and the music that I'm so obsessed with, that mean so much to me, that matter - but more importantly, with people that also mean so much to me and matter, too (& also for them to be as excited/interested as I am, too, about new discoveries and the like).
I want to blab on and on, endlessly, about artists (directors, musicians) and their works... to be able to engage in intelligible/intellectual conversations (and hey, maybe even debates too because I would fight to the ends of this earth to defend the artists I'm fond of or look up to) about them. I want to discuss the utter brilliance of some films/shows, why or how what they're doing works, and why or how some don't. Just all these tiny little things.
As Ingmar Bergman so aptly put it (Persona, 1966):
But, more importantly, I want people to like them too? Not so much liking the artists in question, per se... just to like HAVING these types of conversations with me... Is that too much of me to ask? I mean... I feel like you don't really "get" me or are on the same... "wavelength(?)" as me... if you don't share the same... passion or ideals as I do...? I don't know.
This is so, so important to me though... that is; a shared passion for the films and music that I am into... or, at the very least, an unyielding, constant burning desire/curiosity/interest to know or learn more about them...? Or films/music in general?
Sigh, I don't know... I feel like sometimes I can't express my emotions or thoughts wholeheartedly and completely/openly to people about them (the films and music I mean)... not unless I know for certain that they are really into it or have/share the same passion about it as I do... maybe it's just me. Maybe I want too much. Or maybe my expectations are too high... sigh. That constant yearning or longing for something like this... I don't know... I'm losing sight or track of what I'm saying. Never mind.
I guess all of this could also link up in some way to this feeling of deep isolation/loneliness too, which I've been feeling a lot of lately... but perhaps for another time. It's basically just so fucking depressing and isolating at work (NS) now. I feel like I'm losing my mind or about to go insane every god-damn day I step into that office... I'm really struggling here like I'm barely holding on... sigh. I mean, I don't even have access to basic stuff like the internet? And that's just one part of it. How am I supposed to keep up with the times? I can't just keep checking my phone (*cue Ariel Pink*) all the damn time, that's just fucking depressing ugh, like... that's just not me. And for the love of God don't even get me started on the shit (or the severe lack thereof) I have to do sometimes there. Sigh.
Original post: 25/8/16 - 26/8/16
Edited: 5/11/16