This was meant to be another post about my anxiety pangs.
But looking back at my previous posts, I realise I have to say this first: that everyone I know falls strictly into two different but very clear categories: those that drag me down, and those that are way better than me at almost everything (these generally refer to photographers/gig scene people).
So I realise that I'm stuck. I'm caught in the middle, in-between.
On the one hand, I am trying to sever all ties with the people that drag me down. Or I've been keeping less in contact with them at least.
And on the other, I am trying (very hard I might add) to be on the same level/closer with those that are... above me(?)
Okay it's very hard to put into words/describe the people that are typically "above" me, so to speak?
When I say this I generally refer to artists/photographers I look up to (or perhaps envy is a better word to use).
Like, I want so badly to be associated with more people with similar music tastes (or just better than anyone's I currently know now will do really).
There's probably nothing more than I want in the world than to be included in a group/clique of legit... just, workers y'know? For lack of a better word? Like, people who are in the loop. In the know. Just people with connections, basically.
I want - no, I need to have more friends like these. Fuck.
...And this makes for a perfect link between my point about people I know falling into two clear categories and my anxiety issues!
The very fact that I can't have (or am bound by my social insecurities/introverted nature/whatever) friends like the latter of the two categories causes me great panic(?) (I try to avoid using 'anxiety' so much).
And these days I can't even enjoy concerts or shows I really love anymore.
This is a legitimate concern.
I can't even attend a gig properly without having anxiety pangs because of the fact that I'm not shooting it BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT I KNOW SHOOTING IT.
It's selfish, but it's the truth - it fucking pains me (like the worst kind of torment I could possibly imagine right now) to know that I am not shooting shows as much as I could be, because I know for a fact (or am confident enough I should say) that I am on par with (I would go as far as to say even better than) some of the other photographers who are the ones shooting these shows nowadays.
And the days leading up to the actual days of the shows are the absolute worst, believe me,
It's like do I push my luck trying to get a pass? Can I even find any publication/website to get in contact with anymore? Am I coming across as being too desperate? Do people find me unprofessional/being too much of a general prick/annoyance? What if I don't get the pass? Is it the end of the world? No? Well it sure as hell feels like it is (but is subjective depending on what bands are playing so yeah).
Then after that it's like - okay, let's not get a pass and just ENJOY THE SHOW (AKA BIGGEST LIE EVER because no matter what I still end up bringing my camera anyways). And then I show up at the gig seeing the other photographers there and it is just the worst fucking feeling ever - EVERY TIME.
And then the anxiety gets worse tenfold because then I have to worry about security stopping me before the show sigh.
So yeah that's basically what I go through before every show.
Oh wait but that's not it - afterwards, if and when I do get to take some shots during the gig I have to worry about posting it online on social media because then I worry about what other people think or are saying like oh that's so unprofessional of him because ugh "spoil-market" and all that bs like ugh respect the rules and regulations please hello sigh.
Yeah so that's the general worry that comes afterwards - like the anxiety I went through pre-show wasn't enough already.
And you wonder why I'm so bent on migrating (which I'm also having second thoughts about because Lilya-4-Ever) (which I think I elaborated on in one of my earlier posts already).
Furthermore, on that note of people being split into two categories - it's also another worrying issue: about who to ask to go to gigs with these days.
Nowadays I literally have almost nobody to go with because of the two categories thing.
It didn't use to be this way - things were slightly easier say maybe... two years ago? (keyword here being SLIGHTLY) - everyone wasn't so tied down with work/army/other friends.
At least I had more friends than I do now.
People were considerably more easy-going in the past.
Nowadays everyone seems to be getting on with their lives.
Which not only leaves me the question of who to ask out to gigs with anymore, but also what am I going to do with my own life?
What plans do I have in store for myself post-army? University? Abroad? Where things might very well be the same as they are here or perhaps even worse because of general racism towards Asians in other countries as per Lilya-4-Ever logic (I actually don't have any clue tbh)? Stay here in Singapore and face the exact same problems I go through pre and post-gigs all the time and continue suffering from social introversion/introversy(?)
Ha! Might as well add that to the list of causes for my anxiety then!
Sigh.
This better not be a glimpse into life as a post-teenager/during my mid-twenties.
Fucking hell.
Sometimes I really do genuinely question myself as to whether or not I should speak to someone about this anxiety problem.
Hell I'm kicking myself in the foot now for not bringing that up during my NS checkup.
Like not as an excuse or anything but as a legitimate problem because I do at times experience a shortness of breath and stuff like that.
Sigh.
I don't know anymore.
Yup, so that's been a brief summary of my thoughts over the past few months/years.
Happy belated new years! :)