Got quite a bit going on in my head right now. Firstly, my granddad's passed on - by taking his own life, apparently. Secondly, Lilya-4-Ever (the film). Thirdly, the army - aka my impending doom. I don't quite know how to start this. Basically I can't help but feel all these things are connected in some way. Like, as if fate was trying to tell me something, in its own perplexing way. Idk. What I do know is that I've taken shit from this country for far too long (or so I firmly believe). And as my enlistment draws closer I feel like I have to finally put an end to all this.

How does Lilya-4-Ever relate to all this you might ask? Well, you should watch the film. Maybe you'd understand. But I'll summarise/compare it for you. In the movie the main character was struggling to survive in a somewhat poverty-stricken part of Russia, and she takes so much shit for that. Like, it progressively gets worse over time. People abuse her, and take advantage of her. When the promise (or, illusion's a better word for it actually) of a better place is introduced into her life, in the form of a seemingly nice guy with a passport to another country (I forgot which), she impulsively takes it - leaving behind her close friend, a young boy, to his demise. He takes his own life. When she arrives in another country, things look up for a short while. But she soon realises that her handler (not her guy friend, who, of course, doesn't show up) is actually an escort - for prostitution services. Basically, she knew nothing of the country she was fleeing to, and as a result of that, got taken advantage of again. Her handler then threatens to kill her if she tries to flee again. He also said that if she fled elsewhere she'd be branded an illegal immigrant and be handed over to the authorities. So, she had no way out. Hallucinations soon ensued - primarily of her former young friend, who was then portrayed as having wings - which meant he was free. Slowly, she starts to lose it and takes her own life as well.

Yeah. So with that in mind, plus the knowledge of my granddad's passing, plus the inevitability of enlistment, I don't know what kind of conclusions/deductions to draw from all this. Is someone/something trying to tell me something? I don't know. Ugh. Don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind. The thought of escape to another country, or even to another place altogether. Sigh, I don't even know anymore. It's like I'm the character in Lilya-4-Ever, taking all this metaphorical shit from Singapore my whole life (in the form of people who can't even form coherent sentences without breaking out in chinese or some other form of dialect, intellectual wastelands, etc). And I'm longing for the (illusion of) freedom that other countries could possibly offer me. But then again, what do I know about these "other countries"? Such an uninformed person as I could end up being taken advantage of (in non-sexual ways of course, or perhaps even that? who knows?) on foreign soil. Sigh. C'est la vie.