and i don't think i ever will

and NO CLUE how much of an emotional roller coaster ride this month has been, too, ok

whenever i watch ANY live performance of foals on youtube,

doesn't matter what/which song,

i tear up and start crying

i don't know if that's a good gauge, if any, for how much of an impact this has been on me

but yeah

i'm sorry, i'm an emotional wreck

but R E A L L Y

YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE HOW BIG OF A DEAL THIS WAS

like, foals are clearly one of the biggest/hottest bands out there right now

and to have managed to photograph them

i just

(sobs for another couple minutes)

yeah, pardon me, i'm trying my best to put this in words right now

i just love them so much

you don't understand

they've been such a huge influence for me

probably on par with my obsession with my chemical romance during my primary school days

and boy, if you knew me then...

this was definitely a similar experience - shooting foals

well, emotionally speaking, at least

yeah

plus the fact that i managed to smoke with yannis

I N  T H E  F L E S H

i can't even

comprehend

what the actual fuck

i seriously, genuinely question whether that really happened

like, when he came over

i

(sobs)

okay it's like, throughout my whole life (i exaggerate) (a good number of years at most),

most bands (especially the huge ones) have been like an image to me, so to speak

like, they were this intangible entity, this almost-fictional work of art,

like, to me these bands only existed on-screen, on the internet, etc

like, of course i know they're REAL

but to be given a chance to see them IN PERSON

it's just

totally surreal

yeah

i hope you get what i'm getting at

really hard to put in words.

i think to put things in perspective it's like seeing a fictional kids' character in real life when you were young

something like that

yeah, fuck

ugh

also, i drafted a couple posts detailing my thoughts/experiences/feelings backstage (for the first time) at the gig

basically

it was just really fucking uptight

like, just no place for fanboys/fangirls/the like

everyone expects us to maintain that certain level of professionalism

and do our job

just like the rest of the crew, clearly

BUT WHAT THE FUCK

we're photographers

our job technically starts when the show does

not during the 2 hours before

so like

ugh, i don't know

but believe me, in these 19 years i've lived i don't think i've ever felt that conflicted/nervous/anxious before

and it didn't help that i only discovered later on after the show that the band were JUST IN THE ROOM NEXT TO OURS (the waiting/holding room for photographers/general crew members)

like

fuck

so yeah

we had to maintain our professional image

and inside i was dying

bummed that we all (especially so for me, i think) couldn't get any photos with the band

and yannis

urgh

should've just asked for a picture with him while we were smoking

ohmyfuckinggod

yeah

one more thing about this month is that for every emotional occasion i always feel the most conflicted

for foals it was mainly because of the maintaining of our professional image vs FREAKING THE FUCK OUT THAT THE BAND WERE WITHIN SUCH CLOSE PROXIMITY TO US AND WE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

for lucy rose it was plenty of things

but i feel like i can't talk about it right now

focus on foals first

one emotional trauma at a time, josh

yeah

but all in all i still feel the need to see this band at least once more

and thoroughly enjoy the show without having to think about shooting

ugh

no words, really

this experience will definitely stick with me till the day i die

but yes, i couldn't possibly be more grateful