Fucking pissed. Distraught. I don’t even know where to begin. Probably not the best time to be ranting seeing as how this will settle over time but for now it’s a low blow. Fuck. So I found out symmetry WAS actually taking in official photogs for camp symmetry next Saturday. And basically the OS photogs are all going. Or rather this year’s baybeats team. With the exception of one guy. I mean, 4 people are shooting - and only one of them, who, like me, wasn’t a part of the baybeats photog programme this year. But the point is that they’re a clique. Okay not really. A batch, more like. Like how somebody else described them. This “team” of 4 people, who I feel have always excluded me from the group. I know that this is largely my fault alone, seeing as how I’m never willing to go out of my way to socialize and establish connections. But really, I just can’t believe this is actually happening. Okay yes, I’m aware that my complaining now is very one-sided/biased. Ugh. I don’t know what else to say. Like, I keep thinking of ways to beat the system, so to speak. Beat them at my own game, y’know? Like, send emails out to other publications which I believe they never contacted before, stuff like that. My own personal “trump cards”, if you will. But every time, every fucking time, that I think I’m one step ahead of them, they prove me wrong. For instance, the recent BMTH show - it’s terribly selfish of me but I find comfort in the knowledge that nobody else (or at least majority of the group) is shooting the show. I feel it gives me equal grounding(?). So anyway, there’s always this gap between when me and this guy in the group (my closest friend of the lot) will talk to each other on Facebook, to discuss recent/upcoming shows and what have you. Normally it is then that I’d find out who he’s shooting for, the gigs he might be getting, etc. But as of late it’s been getting worse (for selfish ol’ me again, of course) because I find out every time we converse that he’s getting to shoot shows that I don’t. So just this afternoon I find out that he’s shooting camp symmetry officially (which is by far one of the LOWEST BLOWS in the history of me not getting to shoot shows) for symmetry directly. And not only is he doing that alone, but, as I feared, he’s shooting it with the whole “batch”. The lot of them. Fuck. I mean, okay, to give you a better idea of how much of a fucking gut-wrencher this is, I only stated my interest in shooting urbanscapes festival (IN KUALA FUCKING LUMPUR, WHICH I AM PAYING DEARLY FOR) for the sole purpose of shooting Franz Ferdinand - a highly acclaimed musician, as most of you would know. And he’s just one act, a headliner, out of many others. So, in comparison, FOR FREE, this fucking team are staying put RIGHT HERE IN SINGAPORE TO SHOOT *MULTIPLE* INDIE MUSICIANS BACK TO BACK WHICH I WOULD DIE TO HAVE SHOT for camp symmetry. Yeah. See the picture now? Urbanscapes - one bigshot indie artist, paying dearly. Camp symmetry - ALL INDIE ARTISTS, free-of-charge. Fuck my fucking miserable excuse for a life, seriously. And by the way, to the friend of mine in the clique who may happen to chance upon this post, just know that I can't help but feel a little betrayed. Yeah.