i am actually a lot more ticked off than i thought i'd be.
i thought i was mentally prepared for this - the worst.
apparently not.
i don't think i've felt disappointment to this extent before.
this is like, a whole new level.
idk, i can't begin to describe how dismal my mood is right now.
like, the fact that i can't shoot for baybeats this year is just, sigh.
the feeling's the same as if i were to retain another year in secondary school.
that's how i feel about this whole thing,
idk, i feel like time is really of the essence here.
like, the guy who inspired me before?
he got the gig in his 2nd year and he took it.
me? I GOT THE FUCKING GIG AND I'M IN MY 2ND YEAR NOW AS WELL AND JUST KNOWING THE FACT AND FACING THE INEVITABILITY OF IT ALL THAT I WON'T BE ATTENDING THIS IS JUST MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE i'm sorry
i just feel like if i were to register to be a budding photographer again in my 3rd year there'd be a significant difference.
like, all my friends, or a few, rather, from other sounds, they got in this year too.
which is great, except i won't be joining them.
and the worst part is i don't even know if i'll register again next year i mean, urgh.
what's the point?
idk, my mindset right now is just telling me that "it's now or never".
i'm also ticked off slightly because i see other people in their 2nd years getting so involved with all this already and it just makes me feel horrible that i'm LAGGING BEHIND.
yes, that's the word i was looking for - lagging.
right now i feel like i'm lagging behind, A LOT.
i see people with portfolios and i see people who know what they're gonna do with their lives and i just feel so inferior and insignificant and sigh.
basically 2nd year is crucial to me, i feel. like, extremely.
it sets the tone, y'know?
because i figure come 3rd year i won't have time for much else because, well, it's my FINAL YEAR.
2nd year has by comparison the most amount of free time for poly students to get more involved with outside-of-school activities that'll help them in future.
and that's what's really pissing me off.
I'M MISSING OUT.
on a golden opportunity.
fuck.
plus, totally unrelated but since i'm on a ranting spree i might as well get this off my chest:
i recently found out the perfect word to describe the way i am, and that word is "brittle".

brittle - inflexible, liable to break or snap easily under stress or pressure
brittle - emotionally fragile

okay maybe not, but i'd say it's pretty accurate about the way i feel about myself right now.
i can't even
sigh forget it, i don't wanna try and figure all this out.

i thought i'd be impervious to such emotions and feelings.
i thought i'd be stronger than this.
i thought it'd be easier than this.
i thought wrong.

i've just had 3 cigarettes in a row.
i can't begin to describe how dreadful this feeling is,
knowing that i'm having these feelings, i just can't

what is wrong with me.